8 Smart, Funny, and Frustrating Thoughts on Being Single from Downtime Readers
"Can we literally talk about anything else?"
Hi!
Today’s issue is in part inspired by this note from Downtime reader Sarah a while back:
“I have a random idea for a future issue, because I have a hunch that you have a lot of readers who are just like me: single.
While I’m so thrilled for all of my friends who are married and having kids, being single in your 30s comes with challenges that are a little bit different than those who are coupled up. I’m wondering if you would be up for doing an issue that is devoted to taking care of yourself, getting through hard times, dating (ideas for ways to meet people offline would be massively appreciated for this app-exhausted gal), build community, etc., all while single.”
I loved this idea—especially with Valentine’s Day around the corner, when so much of the focus is on couples and one’s relationship status. So, I brought this question to our reader chat:
What’s the most frustrating misconception about being single?
Your responses were thoughtful, candid, and (unsurprisingly) spot-on. You can read them below.
And if you’ve ever wondered how to truly enjoy your own company, you’ll love my conversation with Meghan Keane, author of Party of One, a warm and refreshingly practical guide to thriving solo.
Let’s get into it!
“I’m not on a constant quest for a partner. Can we talk about literally anything else?”
"When I find the right person, great, but so often when I’m catching up with friends or family, the first question I get is, ‘Are you dating someone?’ Chill out, y’all!" — Elizabeth
"I hate that this is the first question—or ‘Are you on the apps right now?’ This is the least interesting area of my life and not something I think about regularly! I moved from the U.S. to Ireland to do my master’s, and the only thing you can think to ask me about is the dating scene?!" — Shannon
"I’m dating someone now, and I’m still offended when people act like my relationship status is the most interesting thing about me. Talk to me about literally anything else!" — Leigh Anne
“Being single doesn’t mean I’m lonely.”
"I don’t think people invest in different forms of community, so they assume that everyone without a partner is lonely. But if you have different types of friends and social circles, it’s very possible to be happy and single." — Laleh
“Why is partnership treated like the ultimate prize?”
"Another thing that makes me sad in our culture is how little we celebrate people who don’t get married. Weddings are a huge milestone, but what about other accomplishments?" — Tristana (Editor’s Note: If this resonates, don’t miss our previous newsletter on celebrating milestones beyond marriage—like our friend Kelsey Lim’s ten-year anniversary of living in NYC.)
“Being single can be deeply fulfilling.”
"When I was single, I was very happy! I think this actually led to the healthy and happy relationship I have now. There’s SO much pressure to find a partner, and then once you do, that person is expected to be your friend, therapist, lover, travel buddy, everything. If we had better community and support systems, there wouldn’t be so much pressure on people to be partnered." — Gabriela
"It needs to be more normalized that it’s okay to have strong friendship networks." — Lexy
“Dating is not entertainment.”
"I sometimes felt like I was entertainment for my married friends in a way that felt extractive and shallow. To them, it was all fun and games, but to me, it was a really vulnerable, heart-opening thing to put myself out there." — Tristana
Thanks to the readers who shared your thoughts. I’d love to hear more: What’s something about being single that you think more people should understand? If you’re not single, is there anything you *miss* about the single life? (I mostly miss getting to watch my share of nerdy and cozy shows, like fantasy series and Downton Abbey, ha!) Let’s keep the conversation going. 💛
Meghan Keane on Joyful Singledom, Solitude Hacks, and the Best Productivity Tip She’s Ever Learned
Meghan Keane is the creator and showrunner of NPR’s Life Kit (aka the single most helpful podcast ever) and the author of the new book Party of One: Be Your Own Best Life Partner. Her book is about embracing the single life—not just accepting it, but truly enjoying it. After reading her book, I also think her book could be reframed as a guide to just…building a life, rituals, and a community you love.
Even as someone who’s married, I found so much in it that resonated. It’s filled with practical tips, guides, and resources (like journal prompts!) for you to better appreciate spending time with *yourself*, advice on how to build your own support network, and quieting any pesky internal voices that can chip away at your self-confidence and/or add to society’s pressure of “finding someone.”
One of my favorite takeaways is Meghan’s tip for easing into solitude:
“Reduce the pressure of needing to fill your alone time with something exceptionally stimulating or thrilling, and start by getting used to smaller bouts of solitude.”
I love this. Embracing more boredom and calm in solitude is good! Overall, this book was a cozy and uplifting read; I can see it being a great gift for a friend who’s going through a hard break-up, or even a partnered friend who might be struggling with solitude (I think you *can* be in a relationship and feel lonely!). Without further ado, here are some of Meghan’s insights and favorite things…
1. A surprising insight popped up while writing my book…
I interviewed Pooja Lakshmin, who wrote Real Self-Care, and she kind of blew my mind about rethinking goals. She explained that we often make goals—like getting married—but rarely think about our values in relation to that goal.
Do you want a partnership or marriage because it exemplifies real values of yours? Or are you making it a goal just because you think you’re supposed to want that?
The takeaway isn’t to abandon goals, but to lead with your values.
2. A simple way to feel more comfortable being alone
You don’t need to block off a whole weekend in a cabin in the woods or jump straight to a solo dinner at a busy restaurant. Start practicing in the comforts of your own home. Set a timer for 25 minutes and doing something absorb, like cooking, gardening, or an art project.
3. A productivity tip I use daily
One tip I’ve been using for years comes from our Life Kit episode on dealing with procrastination. I love lists, but I often put too many tasks on them. What helps is the Ivy Lee Method.
At the end of a work day, you list out six (and only six) tasks you need to accomplish for the next day. Then you order those tasks in order of priority. When you start the work day, you focus only on those six tasks. Anything you don’t get to goes on the priority list for tomorrow.
I love this strategy because it forces me to ask myself, What really needs to get done today?
4. A research-backed way to improve focus
The Pomodoro Technique is a great method for studying or focused work. I also like using it for any task I’m dreading.
Once I'm lost in the task, I often want to keep my momentum and may even skip the break altogether. Don't feel bad if that flow doesn't happen right away. Right now, you're just working to increase your tolerance for solitude. The hardest part is showing up.
5. A helpful way to shift your perspective on relationships
If you make marriage a goal and that just isn’t in the cards for you, or you get divorced, are you supposed to think of yourself as a failure? I don’t think that thinking is productive or kind. Again, it’s helpful to focus more on values rather than rigid life goals.
Meghan’s Downtime Recs
My Old Ass: A young woman who's itching to leave her family's farm and start her college life receives a visit from the 39-year-old version of herself (played by the excellent Aubrey Plaza) during a mushroom trip. The movie explores the freeing naivety of being 18, but also the real wisdom you can possess in this all-too-fleeting time in your life. I walked into this movie completely cold and was totally charmed by the end. And by charmed, I mean covered in tears because I was so moved by the sweetness of this film.
Scout: I love games that have simple, easy-to-learn rules but reveal complex strategies. Scout is just that. It's a fun trick-taking game (not dissimilar to hearts or spades), but the twist is you can't rearrange the cards in your hand. I've taught this game to many friends and often get asked if I can bring it the next time we hang out. I also like that the box it comes in is just a little bigger than a standard deck of cards, so it's easy to throw in my purse.
John Early: Now More Than Ever: Comedian John Early came out with this HBO special last year and I'm still obsessed with it. I love the way his mind works. The special blends standup about iPhone’s pop-up prompts with singing Britney covers with perhaps the best assessment of millennial malaise. I quote it weekly, especially how millennials are obsessed with recipes that are "lemony, garlicky, crispity, crunchity."
Meghan, thank you so much! Party of One is out now—grab a copy here! You can also follow her on Instagram at @damekeane.
Aw, Alisha, it means so much that you took my suggestion to make this issue!! And to highlight Meghan's work alongside it?! Such a Substack dream come true. I know there are lots of single gals here who appreciate all the words you collected!
Since asking for that issue last year, I've done a lot of work on radical acceptance and what that means as a single woman in these...um, unusual times. Pair that with reading Meghan's book last fall, and I can now say that I'm genuinely at peace with my singlehood. The best part? The infinite amount of possibility that it comes with. I'm starting to look at what it'd be like to form a mommune to start my family, all while keeping my heart open to whatever the universe throws my way.
For anyone who's single, I cannot recommend Meghan's book enough. I first heard her interviewed on Forever 35, and felt like I was hearing something from a long-lost soul sister. I loved the Life Kit-style actions at the end of each chapter and have since bought it for multiple single friends. A good companion is Shani Silver's book A Single Revolution if you're looking for more :)
I miss having alone time to just "putter around" - my partner often encourages me to go do XYZ thing by myself but sometimes I just want to be in the house, alone, with nobody to ask me questions etc.