My husband and I split our chores into ministries (like a government). I’m minister of finance and interior; he’s minister of tourism and waste management. We are co-ministers of husbandry (the cat). And like governments we sometimes have to shuffle based on new priorities or shifting interests. It works bc it’s a bit ridiculous:)
What if you don't have someone to split the chores with? Tips for that? For the Neurodivergent? For the anxious and depressed? I feel like I'm trapped in a big cycle of ADHD-Depression-Anxiety loop of mess that I'm struggling to get up out of and I'm not sure how to press forward.
❤️ That is really hard. I’m sharing some tips from readers who live solo in this Friday’s newsletter that may help, though they are not from a neurodivergent perspective. Would love to hear any tips from other readers on this!
Also when I lived with a roommate I struggled with cleaning so I paid for housekeeping 1-2x a month. It was a big sacrifice financially at first but it paid off for putting my mind at ease/not making me feel like a bad roommate because I didn't like deep cleaning. I don't like accumulated mess but scrubbing baseboards? Nope
I just have anxiety, but my husband has adhd, depression, and anxiety, and the book “How to Keep House While Drowning” was so powerful for him. The author is neurodivergent, so all of her tips come from her own experience, and she even has a shortcut way of reading the book if your time or ability to focus on reading is limited. It may sound silly, but I cried reading this book because the author just gets what it’s like to feel absolutely overwhelmed by your own house/chores, and she has so many real, useful tips that actually help.
Was coming here to say I have depression and my husband adhd and I have been recommended "How to Keep House" so many times! It's going to be on hold for me at the library soon but I have read enough interviews with the author to appreciate her "give yourself grace" approach
I'm not living solo so YMMV with this one, but I've been trying to get a pattern going with my close friends who are also feeling overwhelmed where we hang out by helping each other get things done. Could be little projects that have been hanging over our heads, could be crafts we want to do, could just be folding laundry. Even if they bring over their own tasks to do while I work on mine (or vice versa if we're at their houses). But for me the body doubling tactic for ADHD is really helpful and might be worth trying! If you can push through to invite someone over for this then maybe their presence can help you get out of the loop of mess for a bit.
First of all, I can't believe that bath/PJ time and cooking are in the same task bundle!! Hahaha. We pretty much have a default breakdown of the routine daily/weekly tasks, but also kind of go with the flow when it's needed. I.e. my husband most often handles our dinner, but if I'm feeling overstimulated by our toddler one evening , I'll tap out and ask my husband to handle bath/PJs while I get dinner started.
I do personally feel like the less frequent "invisible" tasks can go unnoticed though. For instance, I don't think my husband has had to think about diapers, wipes, seasonal clothes, etc. in over a year. However, he just had someone come take a look at our HVAC system and take care of a limb that fell onto our house... so he's doing important stuff too. It's hard! I think it's key to just acknowledge and appreciate what you both are contributing.
On another note - any chance of seeing a copy of the spreadsheet?! I've wanted to create one but it's felt daunting!
Yes, I can share our spreadsheet in Friday’s newsletter!
I’d love to hear tips from others on how they handle invisible labor because you make a good point. Something we have in place is a shared Reminders app list - any time I do something “invisible” like checking our diapers and formula supply, I put it on that list so it is “visible” to my spouse. The issue is that I’m the more enthusiastic user of the app than he is, haha. And I don’t ever want to get to a place where I am putting small things on there out of spite or from a “getting even” perspective…
To your point, it’s most important to recognize that you’re both contributing according to your strength areas and it’s healthy to take a step back and acknowledge both your contributions.
I did exactly this! We don’t have kids but equitable household duties is really really important to me. I made a spreadsheet, split the chores and we swap every two weeks!
I love that you used the term “equitable” and not equal! To Lindsey’s point, it’s impossible to get to an even 50/50, but it’s possible to get to a place where everyone feels good.
Thanks for being so tangible and specific. I love hearing how other families operate! While my husband and I are very satisfied with our current division of labor, it can be a bit unique to have "assigned" tasks when one parent works shift work with an unpredictables schedule. Curious if any other readers are in this boat!
Similar boat! I'm freelance/WFH and my husband is in the film industry with 70ish hour weeks and a schedule that's all over the place. So it's basically impossible for us to feel balanced on the domestic labor with a one year old. I'm very much looking forward to November when he gets to take at least a couple months off, but for now it's pretty brutal for us both. Outside of the actual chores, I've been trying to make sure I use the mornings he's at home to get out and do things for myself. Other tasks are just getting ignored sometimes – the front yard hasn't been cut in a month probably, but it hasn't rained so it's actually fine and I refuse to add it to my mental list or expect it to be on his right now.
I’m in a slightly different situation, but it seems similar enough. My husband travels a lot for work so I’m often left as the default for all things. I’d love to have him be the contact for school or the coordinator of sports schedules or alternate cooking weeks, but it’s just not realistic since I really am the one here on the ground executing more often than not. I’d love to know if anyone has found a good system with a partner who works long hours and/or travels a lot! Our system now is… I just grin and bear it and focus on living within our means so I can afford help as needed. It helps that I travel some for work too so I know it’s not all rainbows and butterflies for him either!
Just came here to add a comment of solidarity! This topic hits so close to home. My husband and I had our first in April and some part of the house is always in a state of chaos (laundry — it’s always the laundry).
I am definitely going to pitch this system. Though my very anti-chart, anti-system, go-with-the-flow husband may take some convincing to get on board 😂
Hopefully I can persuade him by explaining we don’t have to live with no clean underwear. There is another way!! lol
This is SO relatable. I've had the exact same thoughts as you...
we definitely go with the flow more which I think helps with burnout. We don't have a dishwasher, so regular dishes + bottles and pump parts are so overwhelming, and it helps to know I don't have to do them every day. I felt like meal planning could really help us reduce decision fatigue and save money, but after weeks of suggesting it and my husband not really doing it (he's the main cook), I realized he either likes to decide what he feels like eating on the spot, or has trouble planning, or a mix of both! so I might do that for us, and cook about once a week to share the burden. If we pick just 3 recipes/week, I think it would go a long way.
I have let go of pursuing fairness and we are now embracing the 80/80 model (book by Kaley and Nate Klemp). Different life chapters lend themselves to shifting roles. I quit traditional employment last year and now have the time an energy to contribute significantly more to life household maintenance, and my partner contributes significantly more financially. I imagine this will change again, but following the 80/80 model allows us to flow with it.
I had a baby in June and truly the only way we are coping is that my husband and I are both still on parental leave. *And* my mother in law still frequently brings us food, and we paid someone to scrub our bathroom and mop the floors yesterday.
Here are few things we incorporated (for what it's worth, we both WFH full-time):
- If one cooks, other cleans... If it's just heating up leftovers or pulling something out out of the freezer, that usually falls on the husband since I do the majority of the cooking
- Whoever sleeps in gets to make the bed
- Husband does daycare drop off since his work is more flexible and I do pick up
- We take turns with giving the kid baths
- We do bedtime together, it's our chance to decompress, hang out with kid in the little hours we get and read books or play games
- We take turns with who is responsible for the kid during the evening wake up/morning
- We split up chores based on what we like (this is more traditional): I do laundry but husband is responsible for folding and putting away his own clothes and I do majority of meal planning/grocery shopping. I handle all the social contacts (buying gifts, sending cards, booking photoshoots, playdate and appt scheduling). I do most of the meals but husband is better at "project-based" cooking (working with dough or meats). He unloads the dishwasher, takes out trash and any handy man tasks.
- HIRE A CLEANER. It's worth it -- I want to spend as much free time with my kid, and if it wasn't for the cleaner I don't think our marriage could make it!
- We do host friends over a lot so it's a team effort to get everything cleaned up to an appropriate level prior to these gatherings
Otherwise, our kid dictates who reads, changes her, etc lol.
There's a great book called How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind by Dana K. White with a great piece of wisdom: "Know thy container." (btw the house itself is a container.) The book helped me see ways to make each chore easier so that it has become less about division of chores and more about keeping the systems running.
Thank you so much, Alisha for sharing my insights! Even with an 8-year-old, we still struggle to get it all done!
I'll add that I'm always looking for new families to participate in Division of Labor. Here's a link to the Google form to submit: https://forms.gle/piTFSrrfSNxtvfmT6
I love this topic especially as we think about a child soon 😬. We go off vibes because we have such different work schedules/loads right now. But we talk about it being more structured at some point.
My husband and I mostly share the labor based on our work schedules, but we did make one arrangement when we moved into our house - he does all the outside maintenance (moving the lawn and shoveling snow) and I do the laundry. In Spring and Fall when the yard doesn't need as much attention, I sometimes feel like I got the raw end of the deal, but as soon as he heads out to shovel snow I'm so grateful to be folding clothes on the couch inside!
Love this. Though not a household with human children fur babies are a lot too lol From vacuuming to accidents so this spreadsheet is what i have i. a notion sheet form. It helps the less organized person see that its their day or week to do something. It also helps them stick to the task at hand. I totally agree and hope everyone split things so that both of you can have a less burnt out home life. Work is enough as it is.
I live with myself so I get to do all the chores every time 🤪 I use an app called Tody to keep my chore list in one place and it keeps track of the last time you did each thing. It’s helpful for my (undiagnosed) adhd
My husband and I split our chores into ministries (like a government). I’m minister of finance and interior; he’s minister of tourism and waste management. We are co-ministers of husbandry (the cat). And like governments we sometimes have to shuffle based on new priorities or shifting interests. It works bc it’s a bit ridiculous:)
Omg this is amazing haha. Co-ministers of husbandry!
I think I'm obsessed with this.
hilarous
This is amazing! Love.
What if you don't have someone to split the chores with? Tips for that? For the Neurodivergent? For the anxious and depressed? I feel like I'm trapped in a big cycle of ADHD-Depression-Anxiety loop of mess that I'm struggling to get up out of and I'm not sure how to press forward.
❤️ That is really hard. I’m sharing some tips from readers who live solo in this Friday’s newsletter that may help, though they are not from a neurodivergent perspective. Would love to hear any tips from other readers on this!
I look forward to the living solo tips. Maybe I'll get something from that. Thank you! :)
Also when I lived with a roommate I struggled with cleaning so I paid for housekeeping 1-2x a month. It was a big sacrifice financially at first but it paid off for putting my mind at ease/not making me feel like a bad roommate because I didn't like deep cleaning. I don't like accumulated mess but scrubbing baseboards? Nope
Looking forward to that read as well! We all have unique challenges but finding support for everyone is so key.
I just have anxiety, but my husband has adhd, depression, and anxiety, and the book “How to Keep House While Drowning” was so powerful for him. The author is neurodivergent, so all of her tips come from her own experience, and she even has a shortcut way of reading the book if your time or ability to focus on reading is limited. It may sound silly, but I cried reading this book because the author just gets what it’s like to feel absolutely overwhelmed by your own house/chores, and she has so many real, useful tips that actually help.
Was coming here to say I have depression and my husband adhd and I have been recommended "How to Keep House" so many times! It's going to be on hold for me at the library soon but I have read enough interviews with the author to appreciate her "give yourself grace" approach
I'm not living solo so YMMV with this one, but I've been trying to get a pattern going with my close friends who are also feeling overwhelmed where we hang out by helping each other get things done. Could be little projects that have been hanging over our heads, could be crafts we want to do, could just be folding laundry. Even if they bring over their own tasks to do while I work on mine (or vice versa if we're at their houses). But for me the body doubling tactic for ADHD is really helpful and might be worth trying! If you can push through to invite someone over for this then maybe their presence can help you get out of the loop of mess for a bit.
love this! also great for errands to go together.
love an errand friend!!
First of all, I can't believe that bath/PJ time and cooking are in the same task bundle!! Hahaha. We pretty much have a default breakdown of the routine daily/weekly tasks, but also kind of go with the flow when it's needed. I.e. my husband most often handles our dinner, but if I'm feeling overstimulated by our toddler one evening , I'll tap out and ask my husband to handle bath/PJs while I get dinner started.
I do personally feel like the less frequent "invisible" tasks can go unnoticed though. For instance, I don't think my husband has had to think about diapers, wipes, seasonal clothes, etc. in over a year. However, he just had someone come take a look at our HVAC system and take care of a limb that fell onto our house... so he's doing important stuff too. It's hard! I think it's key to just acknowledge and appreciate what you both are contributing.
On another note - any chance of seeing a copy of the spreadsheet?! I've wanted to create one but it's felt daunting!
Yes, I can share our spreadsheet in Friday’s newsletter!
I’d love to hear tips from others on how they handle invisible labor because you make a good point. Something we have in place is a shared Reminders app list - any time I do something “invisible” like checking our diapers and formula supply, I put it on that list so it is “visible” to my spouse. The issue is that I’m the more enthusiastic user of the app than he is, haha. And I don’t ever want to get to a place where I am putting small things on there out of spite or from a “getting even” perspective…
To your point, it’s most important to recognize that you’re both contributing according to your strength areas and it’s healthy to take a step back and acknowledge both your contributions.
I bet the bundles change as time goes on. Two toddlers (4 & 2) make bath/PJ/bed sometimes the biggest gauntlet of the day right now.
I did exactly this! We don’t have kids but equitable household duties is really really important to me. I made a spreadsheet, split the chores and we swap every two weeks!
I love that you used the term “equitable” and not equal! To Lindsey’s point, it’s impossible to get to an even 50/50, but it’s possible to get to a place where everyone feels good.
Thanks for being so tangible and specific. I love hearing how other families operate! While my husband and I are very satisfied with our current division of labor, it can be a bit unique to have "assigned" tasks when one parent works shift work with an unpredictables schedule. Curious if any other readers are in this boat!
I have a spouse with a very unpredictable schedule and I work from home: It's TOUGH to make it equitable!
That is a challenging scenario - I’d be curious to hear from others who are in a similar boat too.
Similar boat! I'm freelance/WFH and my husband is in the film industry with 70ish hour weeks and a schedule that's all over the place. So it's basically impossible for us to feel balanced on the domestic labor with a one year old. I'm very much looking forward to November when he gets to take at least a couple months off, but for now it's pretty brutal for us both. Outside of the actual chores, I've been trying to make sure I use the mornings he's at home to get out and do things for myself. Other tasks are just getting ignored sometimes – the front yard hasn't been cut in a month probably, but it hasn't rained so it's actually fine and I refuse to add it to my mental list or expect it to be on his right now.
I’m in a slightly different situation, but it seems similar enough. My husband travels a lot for work so I’m often left as the default for all things. I’d love to have him be the contact for school or the coordinator of sports schedules or alternate cooking weeks, but it’s just not realistic since I really am the one here on the ground executing more often than not. I’d love to know if anyone has found a good system with a partner who works long hours and/or travels a lot! Our system now is… I just grin and bear it and focus on living within our means so I can afford help as needed. It helps that I travel some for work too so I know it’s not all rainbows and butterflies for him either!
Also interested in this and we don't even have kids but a lot of the home ec falls to him because I travel so much for work which I hate
Just came here to add a comment of solidarity! This topic hits so close to home. My husband and I had our first in April and some part of the house is always in a state of chaos (laundry — it’s always the laundry).
I am definitely going to pitch this system. Though my very anti-chart, anti-system, go-with-the-flow husband may take some convincing to get on board 😂
Hopefully I can persuade him by explaining we don’t have to live with no clean underwear. There is another way!! lol
Good luck! (And why is laundry always the worst…)
This is SO relatable. I've had the exact same thoughts as you...
we definitely go with the flow more which I think helps with burnout. We don't have a dishwasher, so regular dishes + bottles and pump parts are so overwhelming, and it helps to know I don't have to do them every day. I felt like meal planning could really help us reduce decision fatigue and save money, but after weeks of suggesting it and my husband not really doing it (he's the main cook), I realized he either likes to decide what he feels like eating on the spot, or has trouble planning, or a mix of both! so I might do that for us, and cook about once a week to share the burden. If we pick just 3 recipes/week, I think it would go a long way.
I have let go of pursuing fairness and we are now embracing the 80/80 model (book by Kaley and Nate Klemp). Different life chapters lend themselves to shifting roles. I quit traditional employment last year and now have the time an energy to contribute significantly more to life household maintenance, and my partner contributes significantly more financially. I imagine this will change again, but following the 80/80 model allows us to flow with it.
I had a baby in June and truly the only way we are coping is that my husband and I are both still on parental leave. *And* my mother in law still frequently brings us food, and we paid someone to scrub our bathroom and mop the floors yesterday.
Early days is all about survival mode! I think we should all feel ok about asking & paying for help! It’s hard to do it all alone!
Here are few things we incorporated (for what it's worth, we both WFH full-time):
- If one cooks, other cleans... If it's just heating up leftovers or pulling something out out of the freezer, that usually falls on the husband since I do the majority of the cooking
- Whoever sleeps in gets to make the bed
- Husband does daycare drop off since his work is more flexible and I do pick up
- We take turns with giving the kid baths
- We do bedtime together, it's our chance to decompress, hang out with kid in the little hours we get and read books or play games
- We take turns with who is responsible for the kid during the evening wake up/morning
- We split up chores based on what we like (this is more traditional): I do laundry but husband is responsible for folding and putting away his own clothes and I do majority of meal planning/grocery shopping. I handle all the social contacts (buying gifts, sending cards, booking photoshoots, playdate and appt scheduling). I do most of the meals but husband is better at "project-based" cooking (working with dough or meats). He unloads the dishwasher, takes out trash and any handy man tasks.
- HIRE A CLEANER. It's worth it -- I want to spend as much free time with my kid, and if it wasn't for the cleaner I don't think our marriage could make it!
- We do host friends over a lot so it's a team effort to get everything cleaned up to an appropriate level prior to these gatherings
Otherwise, our kid dictates who reads, changes her, etc lol.
There's a great book called How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind by Dana K. White with a great piece of wisdom: "Know thy container." (btw the house itself is a container.) The book helped me see ways to make each chore easier so that it has become less about division of chores and more about keeping the systems running.
Thank you so much, Alisha for sharing my insights! Even with an 8-year-old, we still struggle to get it all done!
I'll add that I'm always looking for new families to participate in Division of Labor. Here's a link to the Google form to submit: https://forms.gle/piTFSrrfSNxtvfmT6
I love this topic especially as we think about a child soon 😬. We go off vibes because we have such different work schedules/loads right now. But we talk about it being more structured at some point.
My husband and I mostly share the labor based on our work schedules, but we did make one arrangement when we moved into our house - he does all the outside maintenance (moving the lawn and shoveling snow) and I do the laundry. In Spring and Fall when the yard doesn't need as much attention, I sometimes feel like I got the raw end of the deal, but as soon as he heads out to shovel snow I'm so grateful to be folding clothes on the couch inside!
Love this. Though not a household with human children fur babies are a lot too lol From vacuuming to accidents so this spreadsheet is what i have i. a notion sheet form. It helps the less organized person see that its their day or week to do something. It also helps them stick to the task at hand. I totally agree and hope everyone split things so that both of you can have a less burnt out home life. Work is enough as it is.
I live with myself so I get to do all the chores every time 🤪 I use an app called Tody to keep my chore list in one place and it keeps track of the last time you did each thing. It’s helpful for my (undiagnosed) adhd